On Becoming

March Musings: How I "become" through love.

“Becoming,” Gouache, colored pencils, and crocheted yarn, 2025. Made by me! :)

On Becoming!

Recently, I have been pondering my self-concept and have been fostering a strong belief in my personal truth. I’ve been reveling in the balance of two seemingly opposing truths about the present: a slow and steady progress versus the urgency of the present moment. Last year, my growth felt contingent upon adhering to what I thought was “right” and rigid. I was a serial overthinker plagued by anxiety. I was motivated by fear.

My fitness journey was largely motivated by weight loss than health—a gnawing feeling in the back of my mind focused numbers on the scale; I exhausted myself becoming a “creative machine” during the summer while planning for art markets, using all of the little time I had working a full-time job; I stressed myself out on planning routines rather than rituals when it came to my adhd; my demeanor towards making new connections (whether it be dating or friendship) was rooted in fear, etc. etc. etc. I measured my value solely on cramming accomplishments in a day without realizing my value resides in the present moment.

All of which were rewarding— I was healthy, I was finally learning ways to work with my ADHD, I was getting my art out there, I was taking the needed solitude time to do inner work— I know that I’ve grown from learning what routines works for me, and all was done out of self-love. The shadow work I did in the past year has been rewarding, but I realized a lot of my goals still felt far away no matter how hard I worked. I didn’t feel rooted in the present.

Through all of this, I realized that I don’t have to achieve everything right now, but rather it is a slow process of finding what feels right as opposed to the arbitrary rules and roles I’ve created for myself. It’s rooting myself in the journey— the slow process of becoming.

And yet, I also find solace in the urgency of action in the way that all we have is right now. I find that I also embody this in my art practice: If I worry about perfecting a piece of art, meticulously over-planning instead of just taking that first step to create, then I will never get to a finished state of work. These questions swirled constantly in my mind: How can I become an artist if I have a day job? How could I call myself a working artist if I do not constantly create?

But I know that I am an artist no matter what! I was an artist the first time my little hand picked up a crayon, I was an artist throughout my school-aged years dozing off in dreamworld during math class, I was an artist in art school developing my craft, I am an artist now no matter what my day job is.

Instead of spiraling into worry over what I cannot control, I ask myself: "What can I do right now? Why would I wait for the right time when only right time is now?

I find myself moving towards an abundance mindset and leaving behind lack mindset.

I embody love as force of living!

I lean into letting myself love and be loved instead of focusing on what I don’t have yet, or who I think I should become to be deserving of that. I’m flawed and messy and I can hurt people. But I cannot dwell on my flaws as proof of unlovability. I want to let love be the forefront of my actions: I am kind. I am assertive and actionable when it comes to caring for my loved ones. I know what I deserve and how I want to be treated because I am confident in how I love others. Love is presence and not something we wait for: I am an artist right now, I love you right now, I accept myself as I am right now. I ease myself from longing and waiting and self-judgement when I let myself love freely.

I think of community and connectivity. I think of my people in the Philippines—how often they are described as warm and joyful despite economic hardship— how foreigners know them as hospitable and greet you with open arms. I think of the presence of my siblings and family, their companionship when my heart is heavy. Even without words, even without sharing my pain, there is healing in our silliness, in their unconditional love. I think of all of my girl friends who live hours away from me and how we come back together after several months, or how we connect online ready to share about our lives as if no time has passed. I think about the connections I’ve lost and no matter what the falling out was about, a constant is the way I authentically and genuinely love. All of this love flows through and in between hardship and flaws.

Love is…

Love is expansive— it is an infinite and free. So often, loneliness is met with the advice to "love yourself first." But what if I already do? What if I have poured into my own vessel that I am overflowing? That I need to pour out into the vast pool of connectivity? I love my solitude, but I am human—connection is a life source. My love is abundant; there is enough for myself and for others. Love is togetherness. Love cannot heal in isolation. Fear wants to snuff love out, but love persists through fear. Love is not an obligation; it is an active choice. Love is not just a noun— it is most importantly a verb! Love is actionable, not solely verbal. Love is right now, not what could have been. It is a commitment to experiencing life with a sense of togetherness despite flaws and hurts. Love is honoring ourselves and each other deeply despite imperfection. Love is an intimacy created by the trust of letting yourself exist in someone’s presence. Love is a shared labor.

And love is also knowing when to step away—from people and places where love is absent, unmoving, or one-sided.

I hesitate to have to constantly add a disclaimer that love is not just romantic, but I know how often it is misunderstood. Love is familial, both by blood and by choice. Love is romantic, but romance is not exclusive to romantic relationships. Love is in my female friendships; my greatest romances. Love is more than we define it as, more than we confine it to be. Love is in community and mutual aid. Love is healing together through kindness. Love is an act of rebellion towards an unkind system.

So I promise myself to keep moving forward with a devotion to loving authentically and being unwaveringly honest embodied in being an artist. Being compelled to love passionately and being in the moment, to connect and feel everything with joy, despair, excitement, melancholy and everything in between, to use love as the center of my soul’s purpose.

details on "Becoming"

A few snapshots of details on my piece! This piece is a testament to a journey of becoming— to delve between both darkness and light in life. When I was first ideating on the piece, it started out from a feeling of sadness and uncertainty. I sketched a blank figure on a page, and the intention of the piece came from confusion of who I’m supposed to be in this era of life (woman in her 20s moment!)— I felt like a blank slate. As I developed and ruminated on it more, this “uncertainty” felt more powerful, and the blankness began to feel more like an abundance of possibilities! A fun fact and dose of magic about the painting (I contemplated on sharing this part of my painting, but one theme I want to embody more is vulnerability and visibility through my creative work) is that behind the center piece, I wrote some personal affirmations: “I am stubbornly and unchangingly myself,” “I find beauty is my everyday experiences— and I alchemize them into art,” “Love is the center of my beloved connections,” and so on.

I’m creating a few more works with these “spells” and manifestations of sorts, some I may share, and some are sealed forever from outside eyes (and even my own! sewed tightly on the canvas).

View my art here: My Website <3